History
History. I love it. I take great pleasure in going to museums, castles, ruins and other old places. I enjoy watching history documentaries, much to my wife's frustration at times. There is, for me at least, something special in being where something significant happened in the past, or learning about other people's victories and mistakes, their decisions that influenced the world in some way.
History. I love it. But not my own...
I've recently been thinking about a possible career change into more full-time, church-based ministry. I am currently the worship pastor at a wonderful church community in London, so I'm in church-based ministry already. Now I'm thinking and praying through the possibility of going into ordination training in the future. This brings up a lot of thoughts, questions and fears in me. It will obviously have a massive impact on my wife and young daughter, our families in South Africa and Namibia and our plans to go back at some point.
It also confronts me with my past.
Before getting married and moving to the UK I volunteered on the worship team at a church in South Africa. Before that, at university, I led worship at the student church. Before that I was the leader of a team of young people ministering to churches and schools in and around my home town. I've been in ministry for quite some time. However, during those times I've made silly choices and mistakes that not only influenced me and my integrity, but the lives and welfare of other people. I misled people's trust in me. I mismanaged relationships (both platonic and romantic) and took advantage of situations to satisfy my own needs instead of doing the right thing.
In many ways moving to the UK have given me a fresh start where I don't have to face my past and build a new, sparkling future. People like me over here. They seem to think that I'm a man of great humility and integrity. A Godly man. My past says otherwise.
Now I'm torn between who I was when I did the things I'm ashamed of and who I want to be and I can't help but think what the people I've hurt and disappointed in the past will say when they hear that I'm trying to become a vicar. Will those who've seen me at my worst encourage me to go into ordination like those who've only seen me at my best?
I've come to a point where I realised that it doesn't matter what anyone but God thinks. Through the sacrifice of Jesus I am no longer viewed by God as an enemy or as unworthy, but as His child, as His family, as a loved one, and because of that I will follow where He leads me. Even if I fall again and disoppoint people. Even if my past convinces me that I'm not worthy of leading people to Christ. Even when I'm scared of what people may say. He gave His life for me. I can't help but give mine for Him.
Christ didn't come to save the holy. He came to make the sinners holy. (Hebrews 10:10 and Mark 2:17) No one is so far that they're out of God's reach and it's only by His grace, not by our own abilities.
That doesn't wipe what I did, how I lived, from the past, though. People were hurt and disappointed and some of them probably still are. I have asked for their forgiveness and many of them have been extremely gracious in forgiving me and moving on. It happened. And yet God says that He can make all those bad things work for good. Only God can take something crooked and bent and turn it into something beautiful.
And while I'm continuing to convince and remind myself of this truth, I will carry on going to museums and learn of how people made good choices and bad ones, influencing the world we live in, knowing that God loved them just as much as He loves you and I.
History. I love it. But not my own...
I've recently been thinking about a possible career change into more full-time, church-based ministry. I am currently the worship pastor at a wonderful church community in London, so I'm in church-based ministry already. Now I'm thinking and praying through the possibility of going into ordination training in the future. This brings up a lot of thoughts, questions and fears in me. It will obviously have a massive impact on my wife and young daughter, our families in South Africa and Namibia and our plans to go back at some point.
It also confronts me with my past.
Before getting married and moving to the UK I volunteered on the worship team at a church in South Africa. Before that, at university, I led worship at the student church. Before that I was the leader of a team of young people ministering to churches and schools in and around my home town. I've been in ministry for quite some time. However, during those times I've made silly choices and mistakes that not only influenced me and my integrity, but the lives and welfare of other people. I misled people's trust in me. I mismanaged relationships (both platonic and romantic) and took advantage of situations to satisfy my own needs instead of doing the right thing.
In many ways moving to the UK have given me a fresh start where I don't have to face my past and build a new, sparkling future. People like me over here. They seem to think that I'm a man of great humility and integrity. A Godly man. My past says otherwise.
Now I'm torn between who I was when I did the things I'm ashamed of and who I want to be and I can't help but think what the people I've hurt and disappointed in the past will say when they hear that I'm trying to become a vicar. Will those who've seen me at my worst encourage me to go into ordination like those who've only seen me at my best?
I've come to a point where I realised that it doesn't matter what anyone but God thinks. Through the sacrifice of Jesus I am no longer viewed by God as an enemy or as unworthy, but as His child, as His family, as a loved one, and because of that I will follow where He leads me. Even if I fall again and disoppoint people. Even if my past convinces me that I'm not worthy of leading people to Christ. Even when I'm scared of what people may say. He gave His life for me. I can't help but give mine for Him.
Christ didn't come to save the holy. He came to make the sinners holy. (Hebrews 10:10 and Mark 2:17) No one is so far that they're out of God's reach and it's only by His grace, not by our own abilities.
That doesn't wipe what I did, how I lived, from the past, though. People were hurt and disappointed and some of them probably still are. I have asked for their forgiveness and many of them have been extremely gracious in forgiving me and moving on. It happened. And yet God says that He can make all those bad things work for good. Only God can take something crooked and bent and turn it into something beautiful.
And while I'm continuing to convince and remind myself of this truth, I will carry on going to museums and learn of how people made good choices and bad ones, influencing the world we live in, knowing that God loved them just as much as He loves you and I.
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