Asking the questions

About a year ago I was invited to go on a BAP (Bishop's Advisory Panel) as the final step in a two-and-a-half year discernment process for possible ordination training in the Church of England. In others words, I was on my way to become an Anglican vicar. Everyone involved thought I was as well prepared as I could be, ready as I'll ever be, the BAP being a mere formality before getting to decide where I will start training in September. It didn't quite go according to plan. Out of the nine criteria I had to meet fully (with various sub-criteria under each heading) and prove that I meet each fully, I only managed to meet four, according to the assessors. This obviously raised a couple of questions. Not only in myself, but also in those who knew and supported me throughout this endeavour. Most of these questions I was, and still am, unable to answer. Questions like: Did I mishear God for two and a half years about my calling to ordained ministry? Did everyone (and there were many) who encouraged and prayed for me to carry on mishear God for two and a half years? Did the assessors mishear God or did they make a mistake in their discernment process? Did I make a mistake to go on this journey in the first place? I don't know.

Life often throws us curve balls that raise a lot of questions. We don't always understand why things don't work out as we hoped/prayed. We don't always get immediate answers either. Sometimes there is a clear and obvious link between what we experience and what we know or do (or did). Most of the time, in my experience at least, there isn't. However, we try and explain things for various reasons anyway. It may be that by explaining something we can be better prepared in the future. It may be that, by explaining something and understanding how it works, we can control the outcome a bit more toward our own desires, wishes and goals. It may be that our sense of security is linked with understanding something, rather than embracing the mystery of the unknown.

As Christians this doesn't mean we should avoid or ignore the questions living life raises. Asking questions aren't bad. Living in doubt is. But that's a whole other blog topic altogether. David is a prime example of questioning the status quo. In most of the psalms he wrote he asks God a lot of questions. A lot of heavy questions. A lot of deep, emotionally charged questions. Rarely does God anwer Him as far as we can tell. And yet God said of David that he was 'a man after [God's] own heart' (1 Samuel 13:14 & Acts 13:22).

Why would God make such an intimate statement about David? It wasn't because he was an exceptionally good person (he was an adulterer and murderer). It wasn't because he never questioned God's works (the psalms tell us otherwise). It wasn't because he accomplished a whole lot (he was the youngest of Jesse's sons and a shepherd boy when God chose him to be king). I think we find the answer in Psalm 131.

"My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed and quietened myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and for evermore."

David didn't search for security in knowing what life will give him or how to make sense of it all. He merely took comfort in knowing and loving God. Living in relationship with God. Knowing and loving the God who loved him. The same God who loves you and I. The same God who sent Jesus, His Son, to sacrifice all so that each of us can come to God like a child to its mother.

You see, children don't need to understand the world in order to receive the love a parent gives. All they do is approach, come sit on a lap and just be close. Sometimes there'll be questions, as many parents can testify, and that is acceptible and welcomed too. Sometimes the answers to those questions are awkward or too difficult for a young child to understand, but that never affects the love between a parent and child. In time the answers may help build the relationship, but the basis is always love and connection.

It is also interesting to note that David refers to a weaned child in this psalm. Not a baby, completely helpless and needy, but a weaned child with a will of its own. When we want to know the comfort God gives, we need to make the decision to approach Him first; to turn towards Him and go where He can be found. We're not fully helpless in this. The decision to run to God for comfort amidst all the questions of life is and remains ours.

I still wonder what, if anything, went wrong for me to miss the ordination mark by so much. I still don't have answers. But I have learnt to trust God regardless and to take comfort in knowing Him and getting to know Him more and love Him better.

May you also take comfort in this knowledge: even though we don't know the answers to all life's questions, we know the One who does. And He loves you very, very much.